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Kitchen Table Conversations and Social Change (SOC 352)

Updated: Apr 15, 2023

Social Change, the movements, policies and conversations that spark a revolution, are nuanced and nebulous. I started this project, knowing that I would write a blog post, but one I originally thought would be jam packed with research and data. I scoured the resources I had access to. The week that I had dedicated to listening, researching, writing, teaching and imagining- five components of this work as guided by Micheal Shwalbe in his 2020 book Making a Difference- I ended up at my childhood best friend’s house, to help her care for her new infant. In the midst of breastfeeding woes, pet care and calls to her mother-in-law for more help, I witnessed not only the intense physical labor of infant life, but the complex, exhausting and ongoing emotional labor of women, especially done in the service of the men in their lives.


Unpaid and unrecognized emotional labor of women is a vast topic, one that overlaps with many physical household and family management labors that those raised as women in our society take on (Nagoski & Nagoski, 2019). As a trauma-informed yoga teacher I know many tools that can help all peoples, women especially, set boundaries and healing practices around the emotional labor they do on behalf of society (which I’ll share below). Emotional labor is the, often unseen, effort of someone to regulate, mediate, maintain relationships, ease social situations and so forth (Princing, 2022).



Typically taken on by women in a patriarchal society, this can look like being the peacekeeper, navigator of others' feelings, and/or the “cleaning crew” from unhealthy emotional outbursts. It’s the mother who apologizes on behalf of her child. It’s the spouse who remembers to send out the thank yous on behalf of the other. It’s the women who go to therapy first. It’s the wife who shuts down in order to “keep the peace” during a fight. It’s the partner who manages the social events of the other, including maintaining relationships through making amends.


In the midst of the full time job of taking care of her newborn, my friend also was navigating the emotions of her husband. He had had several disappointing days at work, and was unable to show up for her needs and care until he had received emotional care from her. This led her to a full day of walking on eggshells around him, broaching topics exceptionally carefully, and reassuring him that things would get better at work.


In the hours I witnessed this I knew this post would pivot, from a research oriented one, to an empathetic one. Over breakfast the previous day I had sat and chatted with my friend’s mother-in-law. Though we talked for a bit about our interests- she asked what I was studying, and I asked her what hopes she had as a new grandmother- ultimately the bulk of our conversation revolved around her family. Startling to me, as the idea for this post simmered in the back of my mind, I listened to her process through she had absorbed on behalf of her family. One of her sons, and how he had struggled this last year to get a business up and off the ground. Her husband, and how challenging the week had been, so full of meetings where he felt his voice was disregarded. One of her daughters and how intense and exhausting her work as an ICU nurse must be. Embedding the emotional turmoil of each into her own emotive experience.

When she asked how my husband was doing I struggled to find equally emotive answers. He is doing well, probably indulging in meaty meals while I’m gone (as I’m primarily vegetarian). I recognized that I do not carry the same enmeshment of emotional labor, though I’m sure I have at times. At her kitchen table at that moment I found myself thinking back to my own mother, the social cues she decoded for my father. The emotional regulation she provided for my exceptionally shy brother. The groundedness she exuded in uncertain moments. All kinds of unrecognized emotional labor.


I’m curious about the effects these unpaid labors take on women. I know there is growing evidence that this may be related to why women are more likely to develop chronic illness, inflammation and pain than those assigned male at birth (Nagoski & Nagoski, 2019) (Mate, 2022). I think of my own mother’s diagnosis of a wheat allergy in her 30s. I think of my best friend’s stress-related flare ups of a dairy sensitivity. I think of my own body whose growing list of allergens includes coffee, caffeine, chocolate, gluten and bees. Things I interacted with, without consequence, as a child.

On my long car ride back to my hometown after staying with my best friend and her extended family during the midweek, I found my thoughts oscillating between a comparison of her marriage and my own. Not that any partnership is without its own unique struggles, but how different our boundaries around emotional labor are. My spouse knows that some of my self care practices are uninterruptible. My monthly epsom salt soaks, an hour of the bathroom door shut, lights off, with flickering candles and meditative music surrounding me are a sacred, protected space. As is my morning journaling routine, during which any thoughts, updates, even morning hugs he would like to give are paused until I am done. Likewise I respect the regimens that help him feel grounded, connected and aware. His evenings after work playing disc golf. His monthly epsom salt bath. His time gaming online with old friends.


While my friend struggled through a breast-feeding, her husband was showing her pictures of something he learned about recently and wanted to share with her. She was clearly exhausted, on brink of new motherhood fatigue, but there was a sense of “what to do? He must really want to tell me about this.” And so, setting aside her own immediate needs she engaged with the topic he was so enthusiastic about at the moment. Once he was filled, his need for attention and connection satisfied, he put on his shoes and headed into the office. Empathizing, I helped her complete the feeding, offered that she could nap, or eat breakfast, while I changed and put the baby down for sleep.


I do not judge her husband for his behavior, this is culturally normalized. Our emotions will always be connected to one another (Butler, 2013), but I’d like to envision a society where emotions are bonds, not shackles for intimate partners, family and female friends. Where shared emotions are held with mutual respect, not as one-sided “dumpings” of feelings.


Imagine with me, and explore these tools, perhaps choosing a couple that feel implementable for you (and thank you for being gracious enough for me to teach you skills I've learned):


  • Recognize habits of taking on the emotions and/or emotional needs of others and beginning to interrupt those habits:

    • Practice discerning between feeling sympathy or empathy for others, versus taking on the emotions of others as though they are yours to fully bear

    • Notice when you step into “peacemaker” or “meditator” mode and assess if you are doing so, so that others do not have to own up to the impacts of their volatile emotions and related (re)actions

    • Give yourself a lot of compassion as you relearn what emotions are yours and what emotions you’ve taken on for others. People around you can be frustrated as you no longer “do the emotional work” for them, if that’s what they’ve grown used to (Aguirre, 2022)


  • Setting boundaries and realistic expectations around emotional labor:

    • Learning kind ways to deflect taking on emotional labor such as, “I don’t have capacity to connect like this right now” or “I want to be able to give you/this my full attention, so can we circle back to this at a later time?” or “I want to be able to really listen and connect to what you’re saying, but I need to (insert something around your self care here, journal/ meditate/ finish eating/ etc.) first”

    • Express that some things you find to be regulating are things you need to experience uninterrupted, such as napping, taking an online yoga class, sipping your morning coffee, etc.

    • Acknowledge that others may be frustrated as you set boundaries, especially if you’ve been doing a lot of the emotional, social and peacemaking work for them. (Aguirre, 2022)





Emotional labor is sometimes harder to see, measure and acknowledge than physical labor. After all, if a woman decides to no longer buy groceries, her household would be feeling the effects fairly quickly. But if a partner no longer takes on the emotional labor in a relationship the effects, though present, may seem “invisible”. A dysregulated partner, a crumbling social life, a new found curiosity for self awareness, a lingering frustration around new boundaries, a new found respect for boundaries and autonomy are all possible dynamics that may or may not be easily named in the relationship.

Personally, I have found that learning, empathizing and imagining a different path for emotional wellbeing continues to shape my every interaction. Research is important, and I have the French author Emma’s books, The Mental Load and The Emotional Load, on their way to my local library, on hold for me. But empathy, kitchen table conversations, teaching mindfulness, all behave like a magnifying glass around this topic. Like a song that gets my head, I can’t not hear the echoes of women’s unrecognized emotional labor in political headlines, my own sessions of therapy and conversations with my mom. It is pervasive, exhausting and unfair.


Untangling this insidious patriarchal stronghold not only liberates femmes, but empowers all peoples. Investing in learning how to self regulate, and co-regulate in healthy ways, are important skills. A society that is balanced in emotional wellbeing is a society that is communal, connected and resilient.


To learn more about the unpaid emotional labors of minorities read here (Princing, M. (2022. What Is Emotional Labor and Why Is It Important? Right as Rain, by UW Medicine. https://rightasrain.uwmedicine.org/life/relationships/emotional-labor )



To learn more about emotional abuse and manipulation cycles read here (Psych Central. (2022). The 4 Stages of the Cycle of Abuse: From Tension to Calm and Back. https://psychcentral.com/health/cycle-of-abuse )


To explore more meditations click here (https://www.youtube.com/@MindfulPeace )





Additional Sources:

Aguirre, L. (2022). 5 Things to Know About Setting Boundaries. Psychology Today.


Anderson, E. & Pena-Guzman, D. (2023). Emotional Labor (Ep. 71). [Audio Podcast Episode].


Butler, E. A., & Randall, A. K. (2013). Emotional Coregulation in Close Relationships. Emotion


Emma. (2017). The Emotional Load. Seven Stories Press.


Emma. (2018). The Mental Load. Seven Stories Press.


Mahdawi, A. (2020). Women don't need to 'lean in' like men – men need to lead more like

women. The Guardian. Retrieved 4 April, 2023 from


Mate, G. (2022). The Myth of Normal. Penguin Random House.


Nagoski, E., Nagoski, A. (2019). Burnout. Penguin Random House.


Schwalbe, M. (2020). Making a Difference. Oxford University Press.


Schoebi, D. (2008). The coregulation of daily affect in marital relationships. Journal of Family

Psychology, 22(4), 595–604. https://doi.org/10.1037/0893-3200.22.3.595



 
 
 

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All personal photos by
Samantha Suzanne Photography,
Keith Glascock and Abigail Jewell
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